Those three words still send chills down my spine.
That question has been posed to me many times in the course of my life. Mostly by girlfriends, but my wife has asked it a few times. Most recently, yesterday. She will surely be thrilled about my openness on this subject, but where lessons are learned, I share. I can’t play make-believe and assume I’m the only one going through or to have gone through it.
Anyway…..
Are we ok? In my experience, this question is only asked when the ‘asker’ already knows the answer. I mean, if things were “ok” why ask? Obviously they’re not “ok” for you or the thought wouldn’t come to mind, right?
See, in the past, and where these chills comes from, if I heard that question, it meant I had been caught. I must have let my guard down and stopped playing the game and they had figured me out. Chances are, if that question were asked of me, I had already moved on to my next victim. I acted distant and unhappy to put the ball in their court; to get them to ask questions. Then I’d blame them and run away, leaving them to wonder what they had done wrong. It was always part of my plan, I suppose, but there was still something resembling a human deep inside of me, so I always dreaded the process of what was about to come. While I didn’t care a whole lot, staring at a hurting person is never easy, no matter how hard your heart is.
That’s why I still get chills. Out of habit. I have found, in this Christian life I live, habits still live in me; emotions don’t go away. My mind works as it always has. My first instinct is usually to do wrong, to lie, to completely fabricate the story or make up a new one. My first instinct is to judge, to hate, to search the never-ending database, that is my mind, full of negative thoughts, full of every reason in the world that YOU are no good.
I have these thoughts EVERY DAY! Not just every day, but a hundred times a day; with every thought. I don’t remember them, but I LIVE them.
Ya see, the difference is my heart; the action-taker of this body. My heart, forever filled with the Holy Spirit, guides my every move. My heart takes those thoughts, turns them into something positive and THEN releases them. Does the negative ever get out? Sure it does; I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but my actions, my heart, has been forever changed. Praise God!
So, you ask, what happened that she would ask you that question yesterday? Well, the chills came, but then, immediately after, I thought, “wait, I aint done NUTHIN!” Just so happens that life is getting to us. We don’t see a bunch of each other….she’s at work and I’m at home, she gets home and I leave for work…..I get home and she’s asleep….she gets up and I’m asleep. Yeah, such is life for us. We see each other about 10-20 minutes a day and sooner or later thoughts start creepin in like, “wow, we haven’t talked in awhile…something must be wrong.” When, in all reality, we haven’t talked like we used to in about 3 years. It’s the new life we live. We try to catch up on Saturday and Sunday…sometimes it works, sometimes not. But nothing is wrong….I know that….she knows that….and now YOU know that
. So, to all of her family members: Before you send that email throwing stones…put down your weapons…..Nuthin goin on here, but lessons….Life lessons and praise to God for delivering us from the lives we once led.
Does the past ever creep up on you? Or do you experience a form of it, like me, every day?
How do you deal with it? Or do you not deal with it at all? Just curious.
